physically: sore, tightness in my chest; emotionally: melancholy; goal: make the most of my day, don’t let it pass in vain; affirmation: i am healing on all levels. i am strong. i am woman.
apparently not over it yet January 13, 2008
i really thought i had come to terms with my feelings. i had that one pain-filled week where i really took care of myself and addressed my needs. found my strength. i know one week is a short time but really i am not one to dwell on things for too long. and i have been maintaining my self-care. not hanging out with ex-lover/best friend as much. we did spend the holidays together and then once the new year rolled over i maintained my distance again. he invited me out friday but i already had plans with K. i saw him after work last night, well after i had gone out after work and he had gone out with one of his few friends. but something was amiss. his friend brought other friends and one of them was a girl for EL/BF to meet. not that he admitted this. he completely skirted around the issue. but F called in the wee hours of the morning disturbing our hang out time and EL/BF took the call in his bathroom. he normally doesn’t do this unless he is paying a bill. me being the nosy person i am under the influence of crazy, jealous self took kitty and sat by the heater where i could hear snippets of the conversation. i couldn’t even tell you what i heard. the words are in my brain, my being but hazy but the meaning all too clear. there was a girl. EL/BF didn’t really connect with her. didn’t want to talk about it and hung up. the other clues? EL/BF’s flat was super clean. and the most tell-tale sign of all? the picture of us together, a happy us, that resides so prominently on his kitchen counter was facedown. and the wave of pain that washed over me upon noting this was entirely unexpected. why? why should i think i won’t feel pain again? even a diluted pain. today i did the closure rite. simple and small. and now i have to remain evermore vigilant on the emotions coursing through my being and how they affect me physically. i have to continually offer up this love and pain to the goddess herself so that i may one day be free of it. perhaps one day i can be happy again and be happy for him and wish him well. he wishes me well. he wants me to be happy. and i honestly cannot do the same for him yet and feel ashamed. i have never had trouble with this step before in the past. first boyfriend, scumbag boyfriend, french boyfriend. so why can’t i do it now? and i feel even worse about it because i am meeting people. liking people. but none of them hold a candle to EL/BF. rational mind and emotional mind have not caught up with each other yet. i know we’re not right for each other. i know there are better matches for both of us out there. i know that i am on the right path. i know that we came together for a reason and we learned a lot from each other and there are no regrets. i know all these things. but it doesn’t change the way my heart feels.
weekly review January 13, 2008
so i made my two recipes. yay! and they were good too. monday night was ever so productive. and i made the butternut recipe in advance for tuesday. i brought my lunch to work each day save for friday because l-squared invited foi and moi out. we went to jason’s deli. i did bring poptarts each morning but found they left me really hungry in a couple of hours as opposed to whataburger’s egg and potato taquitos. they hold me over until lunch. i made the second recipe friday night with my friend, K. i took the mashed potatoes for lunch one day. ate all my apples. the only thing in my fridge that i was not successful at making/taking/eating was my salad. and i had even purchased alfalfa sprouts. perhaps i need a different dressing. or maybe i just wasn’t in the mood for salad. i did my morning routine monday and tuesday. but for the rest of the week i slept in graciously. i knew i would do it ahead of time, set the alarm for 6:30 and gave myself permission for it. i needed extra sleep time i think to absorb the benefits of the cleansing rite from tuesday night. things are set up. my lists are made and accessible. i think i am progressing along just fine. this week i will resume my morning routine and attempt to put some of these evening ones into place. all in all a good week.
