apparently not over it yet January 13, 2008

i really thought i had come to terms with my feelings.  i had that one pain-filled week where i really took care of myself and addressed my needs.  found my strength.  i know one week is a short time but really i am not one to dwell on things for too long.  and i have been maintaining my self-care.  not hanging out with ex-lover/best friend as much.  we did spend the holidays together and then once the new year rolled over i maintained my distance again.  he invited me out friday but i already  had plans with K.  i saw him after work last night, well after i had gone out after work and he had gone out with one of his few friends.  but something was amiss.  his friend brought other friends and one of them was a girl for EL/BF to meet.  not that he admitted this.  he completely skirted around the issue.  but F called in the wee hours of the morning disturbing our hang out time and EL/BF took the call in his bathroom.  he normally doesn’t do this unless he is paying a bill.  me being the nosy person i am under the influence of crazy, jealous self took kitty and sat by the heater where i could hear snippets of the conversation.  i couldn’t even tell you what i heard.  the words are in my brain, my being but hazy but the meaning all too clear.  there was a girl.  EL/BF didn’t really connect with her.  didn’t want to talk about it and hung up.  the other clues?  EL/BF’s flat was super clean.  and the most tell-tale sign of all?  the picture of us together, a happy us, that resides so prominently on his kitchen counter was facedown.  and the wave of  pain that washed over me upon noting this was entirely unexpected.  why?  why should i think i won’t feel pain again?  even a diluted pain.  today i did the closure rite.  simple and small.  and now i have to remain evermore vigilant on the emotions coursing through my being and how they affect me physically.  i have to continually offer up this love and pain to the goddess herself so that i may one day be free of it.  perhaps one day i can be happy again and be happy for him and wish him well.  he wishes me well.  he wants me to be happy.  and i honestly cannot do the same for him yet and feel ashamed.  i have never had trouble with this step before in the past.  first boyfriend, scumbag boyfriend, french boyfriend.  so why can’t i do it now?  and i feel even worse about it because i am meeting people.  liking people.  but none of them hold a candle to EL/BF.  rational mind and emotional mind have not caught up with each other yet.  i know we’re not right for each other. i know there are better matches for both of us out there.  i know that i am on the right path.  i know that we came together for a reason and we learned a lot from each other and there are no regrets.  i know all these things.  but it doesn’t change the way my heart feels.