i obviously need to remind myself of things. again. . .i was obviously put on this earth for a reason. i’m obviously meant to be here. i’m obviously meant to do something. i am fucking awesome. i am. i am, self, i am. letgoletgoletgoletgoletfuckinggo. i am worthy. i am lovable. i am worthy of love. i am worthy of health. i am worthy of positive things. i am worthy. i am worthy, self. we’re fucking awesome, self. we are strong, self. fucking hell. look at all the fucking strife we’ve endured these past 26 fucking years. we can endure a little fucking heartbreak, self.we can.
what i learned about myself February 4, 2008
the fasting was a success. i committed myself to two days and actually did three. (i did a sunrise to sundown fast). by the end of the second day i felt like i could do another and would benefit even more. the first day was the hardest. the day i felt the hungriest. the second day i did have a dull headache for half the day but it went away. and when i felt hungry it wasn’t painful. i welcomed it and used it. each day i came home and took a ritual bath, meditated. i meditated several times each day, actually. a couple of days i did do light yoga. i didn’t do much cleaning but i did de-clutter my closet. re-arranged and got rid of some things. i think mostly though i stayed in a contemplative state. and what i found was this: the will, strength, discipline and resolve i remember having in spades as a child and had seriously thought no longer existed in my being is still there. i committed and didn’t give in to temptation. didn’t give up and say fuck it. and i even went on for an extra day, i was just that committed. and now that the fast is over, i can still feel the commitment, resolve, will and strength. i am no longer a slave to my sweet tooth. i baked so much this weekend and barely ate any of it. at K’s birthday celebration i had one cookie that i made. they are rich cookies. no need for a second. i really didn’t even want one but i felt that it would be a shame to not taste the end result. friday was someone’s birthday at work. and there was cake. i had none. these might seem like such simple things but for me it’s huge. sugar can sometimes be like a drug to me. given a choice of a healthy meal comprised of all my favorite vegetables and whatnot and a luscious pastry, i will take the pastry and then some. that’s why i don’t keep things like that in my home. but still, i have this need to consume some sugary confection on a daily basis. and i feel like my compulsion has been lifted. although time will tell. it’s only been a few days. but i do feel a renewed commitment to my body and my care of it. not to say that i can’t enjoy a dessert or whatever, just that henceforth i intend to be more discriminating. no more poptarts for breakfast. or random candy/junk food. and i have to say, it feels really really good to have these old friends back.
