what i learned about myself February 4, 2008

the fasting was a success.  i committed myself to two days and actually did three.  (i did a sunrise to sundown fast).  by the end of the second day i felt like i could do another and would benefit even more.  the first day was the hardest.  the day i felt the hungriest.  the second day i did have a dull headache for half the day but it went away.  and when i felt hungry it wasn’t painful.  i welcomed it and used it.  each day i came home and took a ritual bath, meditated.  i meditated several times each day, actually.  a couple of days i did do light yoga.  i didn’t do much cleaning but i did de-clutter my closet.  re-arranged and got rid of some things.  i think mostly though i stayed in a contemplative state.  and what i found was this:  the will, strength, discipline and resolve i remember having in spades as a child and had seriously thought no longer existed in my being is still there.  i committed and didn’t give in to temptation.  didn’t give up and say fuck it.  and i even went on for an extra day, i was just that committed.  and now that the fast is over, i can still feel the commitment, resolve, will and strength.  i am no longer a slave to my sweet tooth.  i baked so much this weekend and barely ate any of it.  at K’s birthday celebration i had one cookie that i made.  they are rich cookies.  no need for a second.  i really didn’t even want one but i felt that it would be a shame to not taste the end result.  friday was someone’s birthday at work.  and there was cake.  i had none.  these might seem like such simple things but for me it’s huge.  sugar can sometimes be like a drug to me.  given a choice of a healthy meal comprised of all my favorite vegetables and whatnot and a luscious pastry, i will take the pastry and then some.  that’s why i don’t keep things like that in my home.  but still, i have this need to consume some sugary confection on a daily basis.  and i feel like my compulsion has been lifted.  although time will tell.  it’s only been a few days.  but i do feel a renewed commitment to my body and my care of it.  not to say that i can’t enjoy a dessert or whatever, just that henceforth i intend to be more discriminating.  no more poptarts for breakfast.  or random candy/junk food.  and i have to say, it feels really really good to have these old friends back.