i really thought i had come to terms with my feelings. i had that one pain-filled week where i really took care of myself and addressed my needs. found my strength. i know one week is a short time but really i am not one to dwell on things for too long. and i have been maintaining my self-care. not hanging out with ex-lover/best friend as much. we did spend the holidays together and then once the new year rolled over i maintained my distance again. he invited me out friday but i already had plans with K. i saw him after work last night, well after i had gone out after work and he had gone out with one of his few friends. but something was amiss. his friend brought other friends and one of them was a girl for EL/BF to meet. not that he admitted this. he completely skirted around the issue. but F called in the wee hours of the morning disturbing our hang out time and EL/BF took the call in his bathroom. he normally doesn’t do this unless he is paying a bill. me being the nosy person i am under the influence of crazy, jealous self took kitty and sat by the heater where i could hear snippets of the conversation. i couldn’t even tell you what i heard. the words are in my brain, my being but hazy but the meaning all too clear. there was a girl. EL/BF didn’t really connect with her. didn’t want to talk about it and hung up. the other clues? EL/BF’s flat was super clean. and the most tell-tale sign of all? the picture of us together, a happy us, that resides so prominently on his kitchen counter was facedown. and the wave of pain that washed over me upon noting this was entirely unexpected. why? why should i think i won’t feel pain again? even a diluted pain. today i did the closure rite. simple and small. and now i have to remain evermore vigilant on the emotions coursing through my being and how they affect me physically. i have to continually offer up this love and pain to the goddess herself so that i may one day be free of it. perhaps one day i can be happy again and be happy for him and wish him well. he wishes me well. he wants me to be happy. and i honestly cannot do the same for him yet and feel ashamed. i have never had trouble with this step before in the past. first boyfriend, scumbag boyfriend, french boyfriend. so why can’t i do it now? and i feel even worse about it because i am meeting people. liking people. but none of them hold a candle to EL/BF. rational mind and emotional mind have not caught up with each other yet. i know we’re not right for each other. i know there are better matches for both of us out there. i know that i am on the right path. i know that we came together for a reason and we learned a lot from each other and there are no regrets. i know all these things. but it doesn’t change the way my heart feels.
weekend update September 2, 2007
well, i’m not so good at sticking to my goals for the weekend. although i still have the rest of today to make a dent. i have been keeping up with my daily action and meditations. i’ve started marking each day on my calendar that i do to keep track, visually. yesterday i went to lunch with izzy which took place of breakfast because i slept so late. we went to bennigan’s and i had a black bean burger with fries. later that day joe and i went to dinner at this little local burger joint that he loves. they have very good fries and they make grilled cheeses. but i opted for nachos instead. they were really good too. they had whole pinto beans instead of refried and lots of jalapenos and good shredded cheese. not really good on the health scale. and then he took me out for a sundae after. so i have a hard time trying to eat at home on weekends with joe. i offered to cook dinner for us last night but he declined. today we had frozen waffles for breakfast. we went to the museum and after we left we were both hungry. i offered to make us lunch but he wanted to go out. he even asked me what was up with me and trying to cook meals for us. i said i was trying to be healthier and because i have all of these groceries. the thing is, joe likes to go out on the weekends because he stays in all week. and when it comes to me trying to cook for us, we have very different tastes in food. the only thing i could make and share really would be pasta and salad. he does not have an adventurous palate at all. i am even surprised he even likes pei wei at all. which is what he counter suggested after i offered to cook us lunch at home. he knows what i like. so to pei wei we went. he always gets the sweet and sour chicken. so for lunch i had honey seared vegetables and tofu with brown rice. so so good. and i ate two fortune cookies. but later, when i get hungry. i am cooking/preparing my own meal.
i am feeling really tired today and very unmotivated. what i hope to do with the rest of my day is read a little bit, wash my delicates, work on my soulcollage cards and write my penpal letter. i have given up on cleaning my flat this weekend. too unmotivated to do it. as long as i keep up with my dishes and the kitchen i feel okay about it. i hope i start feeling more energetic soon.
well that’s all i got for now. maybe i will check back later to remark on what i ended up doing.
i’m not anorexic. really. August 31, 2007
this week eating wise hasn’t been too stellar. mainly because i haven’t been eating that much. but hey, i haven’t been gorging on sugar either so that’s a plus. for breakfast i had cereal with soymilk. lunch was two pieces of toast with smart balance and strawberry preserves. dinner was two veggie corn dogs. i can hear foi now scolding me in the background. but i went to the grocery store today and have filled up my kitchen again. oranges, plums, strawberries, honeydew. aged cheddar rosemary boule. honey flax bread. granola bars. chips to go with the jar of salsa left outside my door. (they are doing a promotion and everyone got a complimentary jar of salsa). two amy’s mexican casseroles and two boxes of morningstar corn dogs because i haven’t seen them in a while. so i got two just in case. pasta sauce and a box of penne. so see, foi, i have food in my kitchen. and i am going to get back on my daily action wagon which should make me feel hungry again.
i think i need to start logging what i eat. since sometimes i don’t eat that much and other times i eat too much sugar. okay, i resolve to keep a food diary for a week. for observation purposes.
interesting. . . August 29, 2007
when i use joe’s computer my community posts come out funny and i don’t know why. it’s been a few days since i’ve posted because i am having some computer issues. and here’s what i noticed. i had every intention of doing my communities in my notebook since i couldn’t get online. but i didn’t. and not only did i not check in with myself sun-tues but i also didn’t do my daily action or my meditations and my week has definitely suffered some for it. i can notice the difference in how i feel and in my daily outlook. it’s interesting. so for the rest of this week i strive to resume the daily actions and meditations. and take it from there.
friday August 25, 2007
wordpress is being weird today. it won’t let me format my post the way i want to. oh well. my goals for the weekend include continuing to keep up with my daily action and meditations, engage in some form of physical activity, make a master list of all the things i want to accomplish in general with MP, life, etc and then get organized about it. that’s all i got. yesterday was a fantastic day. my internet wasn’t working for some reason so i wasn’t able to check in, but i woke up feeling so carefree and light-hearted. it was wonderful. i read a book. took a giant nap. and woke up super awake and energized and carefree all over again. i really think it was the swimming that made me wake up feeling so good. it was a nice, relaxing day. hopefully the weekend will continue in that vein. and oh, i still managed to fit in my meditations although i did skip out on the daily action.
some good eatin’ August 23, 2007
i just want to make a personal note. i have not eaten sugar all week. i have not eaten junk food all week. okay i had popcorn with foi on sunday but that was a tiny popcorn and then we had a really good dinner after of black bean salsa with brown rice. i have cooked once this week. last night i made a yummy salad of romaine, alfalfa sprouts, carrot slices, a little bit of shredded cheese and raspberry viniagrette dressing with an amy’s lasagna. i didn’t really eat dinner tuesday because i got home so late from work. i had an orange and some toast. i have been having granola and soymilk for breakfast. this makes me feel good because it makes me feel like i am getting back to my old ways.
i did however snack on luden cherry cough drops last night while i was reading speak. lame i know. but i was craving something sweet and i felt like i really needed to suck on something. and it kept me from raiding joe’s skittle jar. now i really sound like a sugar junkie, right? i mean, cough drops? but we all know the luden ones might as well be candy they taste so good.
