so my main focus for this year is to establish routine, MY routine, MY structure. i have spent enough time and enough years being haphazard. something i have learned from this past year is that while i still dislike every hour and every moment to be planned i thrive, actually THRIVE, when i have some sort of routine, such as established meal times, regular exercise, regular activities planned. the hard part is maintaining it. in the hospital it was done for me. it was really easy. but you know, i am going to be 27 this year. isn’t it high time i set out and create the life i want to live from my head into actual reality? when i have someone in my life i adapt too much to their routines sacrificing my own needs and desires. it happens every time. and really the only way i know how to counteract this is to actually ESTABLISH my own way of life rather than just dream about it. seems like i have wasted a lot of time, huh? but there always seems to be something getting in the way-school, lack of money, new boyfriend, whatever. not this year. i don’t expect to change overnight but i do need to remain vigilant. notice what works and what doesn’t. i want regular mealtimes, regularly cooked meals, regular meditation practice, regular yoga practice. regular spiritual practice. is that asking too much? so this week the plan is to start slow. i am going to attempt to make two recipes, two SIMPLE recipes. butternut squash with coconut curry and ginger cauliflower soup. i already have my morning routine in practice. i wake up and meditate for 15-20 minutes. then i do a few rounds of sun salutations. then i write my morning pages. then i get ready for work. sometimes i write my morning pages at work since i get there early. when i get home i would like to engage in yoga (i eat my snack on the commute home). then shower and be ready for the evening which should include some simple cooking, reading, writing. i am thinking of giving a theme to each day so i don’t feel like i have to fit everything into one day. like a french day, a letter writing day, a cooking day. i don’t want to cook everyday but i want to eat like i used to. i want to incorporate running into my regular physical routine when the weather turns nicer. mix it up. i really want a bike. l-squared has a bike. she said if i get a bike we can bike together. and it would be a good investment for when i move to an urban city. i want to get into a regular practice of sunday being preparation day. grocery shopping, planning the meals for the week. cooking as much as i can so i don’t have to be overwhelmed by it during the week. prepare lunches for the week. you know, cutting veggies/fruit and pre-packaging them. making little lunch rows in the refrigerator so all i have to do is grab and run in the morning. are these too big of aspirations? i don’t think so. not if i ease into it and remain gentle with myself whenever i slip up. so today i shop. the list is made. only two recipes to make. the rest of the week will be leftovers and simple salads and sandwiches. lunches will be salad, leftovers, fruit, yogurt and granola. breakfast can be poptarts. on-the-way-home snack will be apples. monday i hope to pre-cook tuesday’s meal because my friends are coming over for a special evening and it would be nice to only have to heat up that night’s dinner. yeah. so there it is. i got my first yoga journal of the year and since i have a gift subscription i will be getting it every month. and there is so much useful information within those pages. sometimes i tear them out but they end up getting lost and unused. so in a burst of inspiration i made a notebook with dividers for the anatomy pages, the basic pose pages, the master class pages, the recipes i like, and the spiritual exercises that interest me. and it’s on my counter with the cookbooks for easy reference. i already used the foldout poster of a strengthening sequence. did that this morning. much more challenging than the usual sun salutations. my friend, k, has committed to doing the cosmic cafe yoga class with me on available sundays. i am buoyed by the new year energy, uplifted by so much hope and motivation that fills my being at this moment. i can only hope that i will be vigilant in creating my life during the course of the year.
massive to-do October 1, 2007
1. get a new bank account
2. send another appeal to insurance company
3. fill out paperwork to roll over 401(k) from previous job into an IRA
4. cleaning my flat
5.taking out the trash
6. doing my laundry
7. calling the PAP foundation for status of my application
8. making a grocery list
9. reading my last nonfiction challenge read
10. making payments on medical bills
i made this list as part of a meme last week and it is my goal this list to accomplish every thing on it. it’s massive because it is so unappealing to me and i really don’t want do any of these things.
so far today i have accomplished a few.
take out the trash. check.
laundry. check.
clean. halfway there.
grocery list. check. on my way there right now.
tomorrow i hope to check off 1, 2 and 7.
ha ha! September 24, 2007
so i have a computer again, which means i can make good use of this blog. today started out very blah but now i feel re-energized and ready for the week. work was really good. tomorrow i am going to wake up at normal time and resume my daily actions and meditations. i totally slacked off while i was sick. my goals for tomorrow include cashing my check, paying a couple of bills, cleaning my flat, working on chapter two exercises and working on newsletter. and following my schedule. i don’t think i will go to the gym, but maybe i will and just do weights. but if i don’t, it’s okay. perhaps a walk. something. or a long yoga session. i feel out of sorts since i have been so inactive for a week. that’s all for now. 
some revelations September 9, 2007
sorry i have been gone for a while. computer is on the fritz. but my lovely is going to try something and hopefully it makes it all better. i have had a very enlightening weekend. i re-read smart women finish rich and worked through it and made a comprehensive financial plan. and a. . . budget. but i feel really good about it. i really don’t have that many expenses and once i am working full time again it should be fairly easy to get my head above water. and i am going to be diligent about saving. for real. i made all of these goals and wrote action plans for them. i made my values ladder. which is actually a really good exercise. the hardest question to answer though was, where do you want to be in three years? and i have been pondering that. the author is emphatic about living your life and making things happen, not letting life happen to you. the next time i see izzy i am putting this in her hands and hopefully she will gobble it up and then give it to foi. seriously, if i could, i would buy this book for all of my girlfriends. i think it is that important to read. i also finally made it past the first chapter in Creating a Life Worth Living and that was quite enlightening as well. and i finally made a schedule for myself. one i can stick to, i think. that was one of the best things about the hospital, the sense of routine. of course i really suck at it on my own. but i have scheduled in time to write and time to work out and time to do yoga and meditate and time to eat and time to run errands and other miscellaneous things and accounted for work too. something i have learned about myself in doing the daily action every day is that i am learning my rhythm. my preferred rhythm. my natural rhythm? i like to get up semi early. not before dawn but shortly after and just chill. sometimes i read for a bit. then i check my email and blogs and whatnot. then i do my yoga/meditation. and the daily action is the signal of the true start of my day. i like being able to go in at ten every morning. it allows me time to do these things in the morning. in my own way and not rush. i like to be able to stay up until midnight yet still get enough sleep. so what i have come to realize this weekend with all of this soul searching is that i believe i truly prefer, at this moment anyway, an unconventional schedule. a more flexible schedule. my inner voice is telling me-and quite loudly i might add-to stop considering the irving job. i will have to wake up really early. i won’t be able to continue with my morning routine. i will come home too tired and with not enough time to do all the things i hope to do. and really, i will be putting myself in the same position i was in at my last job. and quite frankly, i can’t ignore that voice. even if another voice ridicules me for not being in a professional job. for working what i term “college jobs.” but i am feeling loads better about all of it. thursday i applied at this martini bar that is ten minutes away and i really hope i get it. it is a really nice place. great ambience and atmosphere. for all of the goals i have set out, i think a flexible schedule will be best right now. and i have determined the minimum number of nights i would need to work and the minimum amount i would need to bring in each night, and really, it all adds up to what i have been striving for anyway. but i think it will be less stressful and more fun. something i have been struggling with lately is a growing passion for yoga therapy alongside drama therapy. i have been feeling unsure of which path to follow and in which order. amethyst gave me some good advice once. she said, to be truly successful you have to focus whole-heartedly on one thing and once you have that down, then you can move on to the next thing. you get into trouble when you try to do everything at once. and it’s true. people that are millionaires have followed that advice. that is how they became millionaires. i am not saying i necessarily am striving to be a millionaire, per se. just for success. i want to be successful. ”do what you love and the money will follow.” i read that somewhere today. so today, i researched drama therapy again and yoga therapy. the costs and time it takes. and i re-examined expressive arts therapy. and the school i love offers it. so i am feeling a new branch opening up. because i love all the different disciplines of creative therapy. and by doing this, i can do them all. and still be a licensed marriage and family counselor. so i have decided that this is the path i need to follow first. and of course continue my own personal practice of yoga, but save the therapist aspect of it for later. because once i am degreed and a practicing therapist and find my success there, then i can branch out into another branch of therapy. and who knows, maybe the opportunity will present itself along the way. all in all, it’s been a good, introspective weekend.
going to make this weekend count. September 1, 2007
so i did all my dreaded errands today. i hate banks. they really suck. and i remembered to get water. i feel bad whenever joe asks me to do something and i take forever to do it because i am always forgetting or sometimes i am plum lazy. i am trying to work on that. trying to work on the doing energy to balance out all of my being energy.
today i had granola and soy milk for breakfast. for lunch i made a nutella and banana sandwich on sourdough and some garden salsa sun chips. and i rationed. i got one of the dipping bowls and filled it with chips. it looked like the amount that would come in those little bags. and when they were gone i resisted the urge to get more. and i really did want more. they are really really good. i got chips at the store in lieu of sugar. because i am not real big on salty things and i can eat them when i have comfort junk food cravings or as a little treat or snack. as the example with the chips at lunch i am much more disciplined. and i got regular chips too to go with all of that free salsa. for dinner i had hummus and pita, and a falafel pita sandwich. and gelato for dessert. last week i had ice cream on friday night. i think i am doing really well on my sugar diet. i am cutting out all of the little sugars (candy, chocolates, etc) during the week and then treating myself to one nice dessert on the weekends. it’s working out so far. and i think maybe i am appreciating it a bit more. and definitely not feeling guilty about it, which is nice.
for the rest of the weekend my goals are as follows:
meals: prepare at least one meal a day. and when i work on labor day make sure i bring healthful snacks to work so i am not tempted by the food court.
spirit: hand over my work anxiety to spirit per jamie’s suggestion. and then do something positive to redirect my energy. also do my daily actions each morning along with the meditations. work more on my soulcollage cards. journal about how i equate my self worth with my job.
life: write penpal letter. gather all materials for proposal to send to matt. call violet back about spring show. make word file of resume.
fun: hang out with amethyst on sunday and izzy on saturday. read a challenge book.
job: come up with new plan. make a list of all my options and how to execute.
things to do today August 31, 2007
i made a master list last week of all the things i need to accomplish, in general. some are small. some aren’t so small. so one of my goals is to check off at least one thing a day on it. until there is no list. and yesterday i checked off two. today i really must go to the bank for several reasons. and call senderra (which i did so now i am waiting for a call back). i also need to clean up my flat. and then i am going to work on my soulcollage cards. that’s all i got off the top of my head. but i will be checking the master list to see if i am forgetting something. i am going to make today count and stop my slacker ways. it has really been a slacker type week for me. lots of sleeping and feeling blah and unmotivated. procrastinating. but not today. i am awake!
short agenda August 30, 2007
i have been feeling really blah this week. i don’t know what my deal is. it’s a complete 180 from last week. not accomplishing too much. not feeling so hopeful anymore. not feeling too much of anything except for blah. i think today will be better. have art therapy. have swimming. on the agenda for today is to go to grocery store and the bank. and talk to renee. as painful as that is going to be. . . and try to be happy .
amendment August 23, 2007
i am feeling really tired today and having a bit of difficulty feeling motivated so i am amending my goals. i only had a one hour window to go and apply at those two places and i wasn’t ready in time. i have accomplished so many things this week already that i am giving myself a break today. i still did my daily action and my meditations even though i really really didn’t feel like it so i can give myself small kudos for that. i am going to honor myself today and enjoy some nice rest and relaxation and kitty time. also i will still be getting a workout in as i have plans to do water fitness with izzy and foi. i’m really excited about that. i miss swimming. my new goal for the day is to honor myself which i have difficulty doing on most occasions.
remaining firm and positive August 21, 2007
so today there are a lot of things i hope to accomplish. i really hope i have time before work to go and apply at X store, get a stupid belt for my uniform, pay my electric bill and phone bill. also can’t forget to eat something substantial before work. also have to study a bit more for today’s test. after work i hope to go to the grocery store because my fridge is nearly empty. work more in prosperity book and work on my play today. i have decided that if i don’t hear back from sandra (CA lady) by tomorrow then i will email her tomorrow night night and if she doesn’t respond thursday then i’ll give her a call. or i might change my mind and email her tonight if i don’t hear from her today. we’ll see. i did my daily action today and the liquid light and “no mind” meditations. starting my day off good again. and even though i still had some lingering sadness yesterday and i couldn’t figure out why i wasn’t feeling better from all the good stuff i did for myself yesterday, it occurred to me that if i hadn’t taken care of myself yesterday in the ways that i did i most likely would have felt much worse and my thoughts would have been really negative as opposed to the acceptance, wondering and peace contained in them yesterday. well off to seize the day.
new books to aid in personal growth August 20, 2007
i got a new book at half-price yesterday, A Witch’s Notebook by Silver Ravenwolf and it is great. i’m halfway through the prosperity book as well. the first chapter of silver’s book is about cleansing and there are some great exercises in there. she recommends doing the auric cleansing meditation for at least a week but preferably a month. so each day after i do my daily sun salutations and sit down for meditation i am going to practice the liquid light meditation and then move into “no mind.” i am going to do it this week and see how it goes. then maybe i will continue it. i stopped at an important chapter in the prosperity book because i was too tired to do some heavy reflecting but i am going to work on that today as well. i can’t wait to talk to amethyst again because i think she will love these books i am reading. in the cleansing chapter not only are there three cleansing meditations but there is also a rite for making a cleansing candle and then a full blown ritual for cleansing the auric body. i really want to do the ritual. i think i could really use it and i think amethyst would be interested in doing it as well so i can’t wait to talk to her about it. so another thing i’m going to do is plan out when to do it and make a list of what we need. i wonder if foi might be interested in doing it with us as well. . . . ? i’m going to ask her. i love how silver delves into the quantum physics of everything. i absolutely love quantum physics. it’s one of those subjects i want to learn more about. it is so thoroughly and completely fascinating.
i also got my Creative Visualization book back. yay! now i can start working through that one again. it has so many great exercises and i think i could really benefit from doing some clearing work.
