the fasting was a success. i committed myself to two days and actually did three. (i did a sunrise to sundown fast). by the end of the second day i felt like i could do another and would benefit even more. the first day was the hardest. the day i felt the hungriest. the second day i did have a dull headache for half the day but it went away. and when i felt hungry it wasn’t painful. i welcomed it and used it. each day i came home and took a ritual bath, meditated. i meditated several times each day, actually. a couple of days i did do light yoga. i didn’t do much cleaning but i did de-clutter my closet. re-arranged and got rid of some things. i think mostly though i stayed in a contemplative state. and what i found was this: the will, strength, discipline and resolve i remember having in spades as a child and had seriously thought no longer existed in my being is still there. i committed and didn’t give in to temptation. didn’t give up and say fuck it. and i even went on for an extra day, i was just that committed. and now that the fast is over, i can still feel the commitment, resolve, will and strength. i am no longer a slave to my sweet tooth. i baked so much this weekend and barely ate any of it. at K’s birthday celebration i had one cookie that i made. they are rich cookies. no need for a second. i really didn’t even want one but i felt that it would be a shame to not taste the end result. friday was someone’s birthday at work. and there was cake. i had none. these might seem like such simple things but for me it’s huge. sugar can sometimes be like a drug to me. given a choice of a healthy meal comprised of all my favorite vegetables and whatnot and a luscious pastry, i will take the pastry and then some. that’s why i don’t keep things like that in my home. but still, i have this need to consume some sugary confection on a daily basis. and i feel like my compulsion has been lifted. although time will tell. it’s only been a few days. but i do feel a renewed commitment to my body and my care of it. not to say that i can’t enjoy a dessert or whatever, just that henceforth i intend to be more discriminating. no more poptarts for breakfast. or random candy/junk food. and i have to say, it feels really really good to have these old friends back.
time to go back in January 27, 2008
this week i wound up being really tired. i did write a letter on monday in the little red journal autumn and i send back and forth. i spent tuesday and wednesday with K. thursday i came home and promptly went to sleep for two hours. woke up at 7 and was too tired and unmotivated to do anything else. friday i chilled out and read The Almost Moon with blankets and hot tea. it was a cold week. i think this had a lot to do with my lack of energy. so this friday is Imbolc. amethyst and i made a commitment to each other at the beginning of the year that we would celebrate all of the holidays together. so we are going to get together this friday for the first sabbat of the year. i finished re-reading amber k’s candlemas book. there are some really good ideas in it. basically the focus of imbolc is cleansing and purification. light. new year. brigid. amethyst and i are going to cook a proper feast but we haven’t planned the ritual yet. i would like to focus on the creativity aspect of brigid since we just did the cleansing a few weeks ago. but i do feel inspired by the cleansing and purification chapter and am going to dedicate this week to it. not too long ago i did thoroughly clean and de-clutter but i’m going to do it again. now would be a good time to get rid of the box of to-be-shred documents. and i am a big fan of spring cleaning. clutter and hidden dirt do accumulate so quickly and it always feels so good after a thorough cleaning. and i am going to do the body/mind stuff too. the book suggests fasting for 1-3 days. i have never fasted before. it kind of scares me. mostly my ability to do it. but i feel up to trying. i think it will be a worthwhile experience and i’m sure i’ll learn some things about myself. i just feel very much like getting into the spirit of this holy day. it’s been in the back of my mind all month and honestly, looking back, i think i have been laying the groundwork for it all month. and with Imbolc, i will be clearing out the final vestiges of all i want to be rid of, laying a fresh foundation for my new year goals to grow on. so this week i will fast, come home and clean and de-clutter and end each evening with a ritual bath, meditation and light yoga. i think i could benefit from going in. i have felt myself become a bit unbalanced during the past week and a half. one lesson that is hard to remember, acknowledge and live by is that when things start looking up and one feels good it’s easy to let go of the activities that got one there in the first place. maintaining harmony and equilibrium is an ongoing process. this will be my first holy week ever. i have never ever celebrated in such a manner. i’m kind of looking forward to it.
weekly review January 13, 2008
so i made my two recipes. yay! and they were good too. monday night was ever so productive. and i made the butternut recipe in advance for tuesday. i brought my lunch to work each day save for friday because l-squared invited foi and moi out. we went to jason’s deli. i did bring poptarts each morning but found they left me really hungry in a couple of hours as opposed to whataburger’s egg and potato taquitos. they hold me over until lunch. i made the second recipe friday night with my friend, K. i took the mashed potatoes for lunch one day. ate all my apples. the only thing in my fridge that i was not successful at making/taking/eating was my salad. and i had even purchased alfalfa sprouts. perhaps i need a different dressing. or maybe i just wasn’t in the mood for salad. i did my morning routine monday and tuesday. but for the rest of the week i slept in graciously. i knew i would do it ahead of time, set the alarm for 6:30 and gave myself permission for it. i needed extra sleep time i think to absorb the benefits of the cleansing rite from tuesday night. things are set up. my lists are made and accessible. i think i am progressing along just fine. this week i will resume my morning routine and attempt to put some of these evening ones into place. all in all a good week.
utilizing the grief plan December 20, 2007
daily action, morning pages: mon, tues, wed. so last night i got home late. took my shower and afterwards still felt compelled to do yoga. so i did. i may be in a shitty place emotionally but i am fucking taking care of myself that’s for sure. the yoga makes me feel really good. i have slacked off the past couple of months but i really need it now and am thankful that my spirit agrees and my body and mind are in harmony as well. for once i am not procrastinating or being lazy. some poses make tears leak out of my eyes but i always feel calm, focused, centered, grounded. even in my pain. and underneath all of that is an overwhelming sense of my own strength. and that is the biggest gift of all.
some revelations September 9, 2007
sorry i have been gone for a while. computer is on the fritz. but my lovely is going to try something and hopefully it makes it all better. i have had a very enlightening weekend. i re-read smart women finish rich and worked through it and made a comprehensive financial plan. and a. . . budget. but i feel really good about it. i really don’t have that many expenses and once i am working full time again it should be fairly easy to get my head above water. and i am going to be diligent about saving. for real. i made all of these goals and wrote action plans for them. i made my values ladder. which is actually a really good exercise. the hardest question to answer though was, where do you want to be in three years? and i have been pondering that. the author is emphatic about living your life and making things happen, not letting life happen to you. the next time i see izzy i am putting this in her hands and hopefully she will gobble it up and then give it to foi. seriously, if i could, i would buy this book for all of my girlfriends. i think it is that important to read. i also finally made it past the first chapter in Creating a Life Worth Living and that was quite enlightening as well. and i finally made a schedule for myself. one i can stick to, i think. that was one of the best things about the hospital, the sense of routine. of course i really suck at it on my own. but i have scheduled in time to write and time to work out and time to do yoga and meditate and time to eat and time to run errands and other miscellaneous things and accounted for work too. something i have learned about myself in doing the daily action every day is that i am learning my rhythm. my preferred rhythm. my natural rhythm? i like to get up semi early. not before dawn but shortly after and just chill. sometimes i read for a bit. then i check my email and blogs and whatnot. then i do my yoga/meditation. and the daily action is the signal of the true start of my day. i like being able to go in at ten every morning. it allows me time to do these things in the morning. in my own way and not rush. i like to be able to stay up until midnight yet still get enough sleep. so what i have come to realize this weekend with all of this soul searching is that i believe i truly prefer, at this moment anyway, an unconventional schedule. a more flexible schedule. my inner voice is telling me-and quite loudly i might add-to stop considering the irving job. i will have to wake up really early. i won’t be able to continue with my morning routine. i will come home too tired and with not enough time to do all the things i hope to do. and really, i will be putting myself in the same position i was in at my last job. and quite frankly, i can’t ignore that voice. even if another voice ridicules me for not being in a professional job. for working what i term “college jobs.” but i am feeling loads better about all of it. thursday i applied at this martini bar that is ten minutes away and i really hope i get it. it is a really nice place. great ambience and atmosphere. for all of the goals i have set out, i think a flexible schedule will be best right now. and i have determined the minimum number of nights i would need to work and the minimum amount i would need to bring in each night, and really, it all adds up to what i have been striving for anyway. but i think it will be less stressful and more fun. something i have been struggling with lately is a growing passion for yoga therapy alongside drama therapy. i have been feeling unsure of which path to follow and in which order. amethyst gave me some good advice once. she said, to be truly successful you have to focus whole-heartedly on one thing and once you have that down, then you can move on to the next thing. you get into trouble when you try to do everything at once. and it’s true. people that are millionaires have followed that advice. that is how they became millionaires. i am not saying i necessarily am striving to be a millionaire, per se. just for success. i want to be successful. ”do what you love and the money will follow.” i read that somewhere today. so today, i researched drama therapy again and yoga therapy. the costs and time it takes. and i re-examined expressive arts therapy. and the school i love offers it. so i am feeling a new branch opening up. because i love all the different disciplines of creative therapy. and by doing this, i can do them all. and still be a licensed marriage and family counselor. so i have decided that this is the path i need to follow first. and of course continue my own personal practice of yoga, but save the therapist aspect of it for later. because once i am degreed and a practicing therapist and find my success there, then i can branch out into another branch of therapy. and who knows, maybe the opportunity will present itself along the way. all in all, it’s been a good, introspective weekend.
weekend update September 2, 2007
well, i’m not so good at sticking to my goals for the weekend. although i still have the rest of today to make a dent. i have been keeping up with my daily action and meditations. i’ve started marking each day on my calendar that i do to keep track, visually. yesterday i went to lunch with izzy which took place of breakfast because i slept so late. we went to bennigan’s and i had a black bean burger with fries. later that day joe and i went to dinner at this little local burger joint that he loves. they have very good fries and they make grilled cheeses. but i opted for nachos instead. they were really good too. they had whole pinto beans instead of refried and lots of jalapenos and good shredded cheese. not really good on the health scale. and then he took me out for a sundae after. so i have a hard time trying to eat at home on weekends with joe. i offered to cook dinner for us last night but he declined. today we had frozen waffles for breakfast. we went to the museum and after we left we were both hungry. i offered to make us lunch but he wanted to go out. he even asked me what was up with me and trying to cook meals for us. i said i was trying to be healthier and because i have all of these groceries. the thing is, joe likes to go out on the weekends because he stays in all week. and when it comes to me trying to cook for us, we have very different tastes in food. the only thing i could make and share really would be pasta and salad. he does not have an adventurous palate at all. i am even surprised he even likes pei wei at all. which is what he counter suggested after i offered to cook us lunch at home. he knows what i like. so to pei wei we went. he always gets the sweet and sour chicken. so for lunch i had honey seared vegetables and tofu with brown rice. so so good. and i ate two fortune cookies. but later, when i get hungry. i am cooking/preparing my own meal.
i am feeling really tired today and very unmotivated. what i hope to do with the rest of my day is read a little bit, wash my delicates, work on my soulcollage cards and write my penpal letter. i have given up on cleaning my flat this weekend. too unmotivated to do it. as long as i keep up with my dishes and the kitchen i feel okay about it. i hope i start feeling more energetic soon.
well that’s all i got for now. maybe i will check back later to remark on what i ended up doing.
friday August 25, 2007
wordpress is being weird today. it won’t let me format my post the way i want to. oh well. my goals for the weekend include continuing to keep up with my daily action and meditations, engage in some form of physical activity, make a master list of all the things i want to accomplish in general with MP, life, etc and then get organized about it. that’s all i got. yesterday was a fantastic day. my internet wasn’t working for some reason so i wasn’t able to check in, but i woke up feeling so carefree and light-hearted. it was wonderful. i read a book. took a giant nap. and woke up super awake and energized and carefree all over again. i really think it was the swimming that made me wake up feeling so good. it was a nice, relaxing day. hopefully the weekend will continue in that vein. and oh, i still managed to fit in my meditations although i did skip out on the daily action.
many little triumphs August 22, 2007
i feel good about today. actually i feel really good about the whole week so far. i can really feel the difference since i started meditating again and it’s only been three days! i feel the way i did when i took betty buckley’s class and we had to meditate every day for homework. it is wonderful. so i quit the restaurant job. i was a complete anxiety ball yesterday and i knew when i woke up today that my soul had already decided we were quitting because i didn’t study for today’s test at all. so i called them up and spoke with the manager and let them know i was dropping out of the training week and that i would bring my shirts and apron by later. the manager was really gracious. he asked me why and tried to reassure me but ultimately respected my decision to not continue. and then he thanked me for the call and said he really appreciated it. which made me feel glad that i called because i was trying really hard to not wimp out. i can be really wimpy sometimes, especially when it comes to quitting jobs i’ve only been at for a few days. i get kind of embarrassed about leaving them. so sometimes i do the no show thing. lame, i know. but when i have been at a job for awhile i always give really good notice and everything. then i headed out and went to X store. the manager was there. when i asked if they were still hiring, she came over, started asking me questions, seemed to like me and said, i’m going to interview you right now, and i hadn’t even filled out the application! after it was over, i filled out the application. the other manager had come in and she had him interview me and then he hired me and had me fill out all the paperwork. they are having a training session early sunday morning before they open for all the newbies. yay! and the discount is 50%!!! so awesome!
i then called the two bars i am looking at applying to. they are both still hiring and both said come in tomorrow to apply. so tomorrow it is.
i did go to the grocery store and i resisted buying sugar cereal or cookies or anything sweet. now mind you, i don’t load up on that stuff but sometimes i will buy a box of sugar cereal or oreos or something to have around to satisfy my sweet tooth. but not a ton of stuff. i know better than that. but i am back in my old groove of never buying that kind of stuff because it is dangerous for me. i got some nan that i am super excited about. it looks freshly baked and authentic. it was kind of expensive too and there were only two to a package. i bought three. i have all of this indian food waiting to be cooked and now with the nan it will be complete. and i got some whole wheat nan for my hummus.
i also managed to pay my last two bills for this month.
and did i mention that i did my daily meditations today? ’cause i did. i tried to do the yoga but kitty kept attacking me and it was late in the morning and i felt that i should get a move on anyway. so i made the decision earlier that i would either do it later if izzy comes over or go to the gym. and now foi has invited izzy and me to come to her gym tonight. (izzy hurt her foot so she can’t do yoga right now). a lovely day. lovely indeed. i love my friends.
being realistic August 22, 2007
okay, so i didn’t really accomplish the things i set out to do today. i kind of ran out of time. i did get a substantial lunch in before i went to work. but work lasted a lot longer than i thought it would. i didn’t get home until past eight. and by the time i changed and was ready to leave i realized that target would be almost closed by the time i got there and i couldn’t justify going to a closer yet more expensive grocery store. especially as i really need to make every cent count. i don’t feel bad about my list. i will just attempt to do those things tomorrow. sometimes the day doesn’t work out as planned. tomorrow i will get up early (no more sleeping in) and apply to X store and two bars. go talk to manager at current job to see if i can move into a position other than server for the time being. i did not hear from sandra at all today so i am going to call her tomorrow and see what’s up. i will also go to the grocery store. and of course, continue the good work with my daily action and meditations. i think that’s it so far. i think izzy is supposed to come over again tomorrow. if she doesn’t then i will go take a class at the gym. otherwise i get another double dose of yoga. 
yay for all the personal growth stuff i did today. August 21, 2007
it’s been a good day in the sense of accomplishing personal growth goals. but i can’t really shake this melancholy/sadness/depression that has been lingering throughout the day. i did my full morning yoga routine, did the auric cleansing meditation along with the “no mind.” i read more of the prosperity book. i ran my errands. and i got to work super early so i sat in my car and wrote affirmations and did a creative visualization too. in that respect it has been a very good day. and izzy coming over for a yoga lesson was bonus. so i did another hour of yoga and more meditation so i am feeling extra good in that respect. these yoga lessons are really cool and i’m so honored that she wants me to give them to her. and i cooked dinner for us so that is night one of cooking for this week. and i didn’t have any candy today or sugary snacks. not that i really have any at my house but i have been resisting joe’s candy jar. and that is somewhat difficult as it’s full of skittles right now. i have a weakness for skittles. they’re so pretty and yummy.
so aside from not being overly joyful it’s been a great day for my spiritual growth/self.
