i obviously need to remind myself of things. again. . .i was obviously put on this earth for a reason. i’m obviously meant to be here. i’m obviously meant to do something. i am fucking awesome. i am. i am, self, i am. letgoletgoletgoletgoletfuckinggo. i am worthy. i am lovable. i am worthy of love. i am worthy of health. i am worthy of positive things. i am worthy. i am worthy, self. we’re fucking awesome, self. we are strong, self. fucking hell. look at all the fucking strife we’ve endured these past 26 fucking years. we can endure a little fucking heartbreak, self.we can.
apparently not over it yet January 13, 2008
i really thought i had come to terms with my feelings. i had that one pain-filled week where i really took care of myself and addressed my needs. found my strength. i know one week is a short time but really i am not one to dwell on things for too long. and i have been maintaining my self-care. not hanging out with ex-lover/best friend as much. we did spend the holidays together and then once the new year rolled over i maintained my distance again. he invited me out friday but i already had plans with K. i saw him after work last night, well after i had gone out after work and he had gone out with one of his few friends. but something was amiss. his friend brought other friends and one of them was a girl for EL/BF to meet. not that he admitted this. he completely skirted around the issue. but F called in the wee hours of the morning disturbing our hang out time and EL/BF took the call in his bathroom. he normally doesn’t do this unless he is paying a bill. me being the nosy person i am under the influence of crazy, jealous self took kitty and sat by the heater where i could hear snippets of the conversation. i couldn’t even tell you what i heard. the words are in my brain, my being but hazy but the meaning all too clear. there was a girl. EL/BF didn’t really connect with her. didn’t want to talk about it and hung up. the other clues? EL/BF’s flat was super clean. and the most tell-tale sign of all? the picture of us together, a happy us, that resides so prominently on his kitchen counter was facedown. and the wave of pain that washed over me upon noting this was entirely unexpected. why? why should i think i won’t feel pain again? even a diluted pain. today i did the closure rite. simple and small. and now i have to remain evermore vigilant on the emotions coursing through my being and how they affect me physically. i have to continually offer up this love and pain to the goddess herself so that i may one day be free of it. perhaps one day i can be happy again and be happy for him and wish him well. he wishes me well. he wants me to be happy. and i honestly cannot do the same for him yet and feel ashamed. i have never had trouble with this step before in the past. first boyfriend, scumbag boyfriend, french boyfriend. so why can’t i do it now? and i feel even worse about it because i am meeting people. liking people. but none of them hold a candle to EL/BF. rational mind and emotional mind have not caught up with each other yet. i know we’re not right for each other. i know there are better matches for both of us out there. i know that i am on the right path. i know that we came together for a reason and we learned a lot from each other and there are no regrets. i know all these things. but it doesn’t change the way my heart feels.
utilizing the grief plan December 20, 2007
daily action, morning pages: mon, tues, wed. so last night i got home late. took my shower and afterwards still felt compelled to do yoga. so i did. i may be in a shitty place emotionally but i am fucking taking care of myself that’s for sure. the yoga makes me feel really good. i have slacked off the past couple of months but i really need it now and am thankful that my spirit agrees and my body and mind are in harmony as well. for once i am not procrastinating or being lazy. some poses make tears leak out of my eyes but i always feel calm, focused, centered, grounded. even in my pain. and underneath all of that is an overwhelming sense of my own strength. and that is the biggest gift of all.
grief December 18, 2007
soul nourishing things i did for myself this morning: short meditation, mini-yoga session, hot tea, morning pages. i had a morning. it was lovely. i packed a lunch. i got up on time. i got up early. i got up at six. i didn’t sleep til the last minute. i packed a lot in a scant fifty minutes. i had a great day. i felt sad and low in spite of it. i came home and cried and cried and cried. earlier in the day i made a grief plan. don’t want to get sucked into nothingness this time. going to use the crisis notebook. going to use the grief plan. things i did tonight to nourish and heal myself: long hot shower, letting the tears flow, wrote a grief letter to my lover no more, drank honey vanilla chamomile tea, intense hour plus yoga session, emptying the mind, letting the poses come and resting there, crystal healing/meditation with giant rose quartz on my heart letting the energy flow into my heart and cradle my pain, flow into my body, covering me like a protective shield. and now i feel somewhat better. centered, a small measure of peace, a great sense of my own strength. i will get through this. somehow. and i will come out stronger on the other end.
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