i obviously need to remind myself of things.   again.  .  .i was obviously put on this earth for a reason.  i’m obviously meant to be here.  i’m obviously meant to do something.   i am fucking awesome.  i am.  i am, self, i am.  letgoletgoletgoletgoletfuckinggo. i am worthy.  i am lovable.  i am worthy of love.  i am worthy of health.  i am worthy of positive things.  i am worthy.  i am worthy, self.  we’re fucking awesome, self.  we are strong, self.  fucking hell.  look at all the fucking strife we’ve endured these past 26 fucking years.  we can endure a little fucking heartbreak, self.we can. 

the fasting was a success.  i committed myself to two days and actually did three.  (i did a sunrise to sundown fast).  by the end of the second day i felt like i could do another and would benefit even more.  the first day was the hardest.  the day i felt the hungriest.  the second day i did have a dull headache for half the day but it went away.  and when i felt hungry it wasn’t painful.  i welcomed it and used it.  each day i came home and took a ritual bath, meditated.  i meditated several times each day, actually.  a couple of days i did do light yoga.  i didn’t do much cleaning but i did de-clutter my closet.  re-arranged and got rid of some things.  i think mostly though i stayed in a contemplative state.  and what i found was this:  the will, strength, discipline and resolve i remember having in spades as a child and had seriously thought no longer existed in my being is still there.  i committed and didn’t give in to temptation.  didn’t give up and say fuck it.  and i even went on for an extra day, i was just that committed.  and now that the fast is over, i can still feel the commitment, resolve, will and strength.  i am no longer a slave to my sweet tooth.  i baked so much this weekend and barely ate any of it.  at K’s birthday celebration i had one cookie that i made.  they are rich cookies.  no need for a second.  i really didn’t even want one but i felt that it would be a shame to not taste the end result.  friday was someone’s birthday at work.  and there was cake.  i had none.  these might seem like such simple things but for me it’s huge.  sugar can sometimes be like a drug to me.  given a choice of a healthy meal comprised of all my favorite vegetables and whatnot and a luscious pastry, i will take the pastry and then some.  that’s why i don’t keep things like that in my home.  but still, i have this need to consume some sugary confection on a daily basis.  and i feel like my compulsion has been lifted.  although time will tell.  it’s only been a few days.  but i do feel a renewed commitment to my body and my care of it.  not to say that i can’t enjoy a dessert or whatever, just that henceforth i intend to be more discriminating.  no more poptarts for breakfast.  or random candy/junk food.  and i have to say, it feels really really good to have these old friends back.

this week i wound up being really tired.  i did write a letter on monday in the little red journal autumn and i send back and forth.  i spent tuesday and  wednesday with K.  thursday i came home and promptly went to sleep for two hours.  woke up at 7 and was too tired and unmotivated to do anything else.  friday i chilled out and read The Almost Moon with blankets and hot tea.  it was a cold week.  i think this had a lot to do with my lack of energy.  so this friday is Imbolc.  amethyst and i made a commitment to each other at the beginning of the year that we would celebrate all of the holidays together.  so we are going to get together this friday for the first sabbat of the year.  i finished re-reading amber k’s candlemas book.  there are some really good ideas in it.  basically the focus of imbolc is cleansing and purification.  light.  new year.  brigid.  amethyst and i are going to cook a proper feast but we haven’t planned the ritual yet.  i would like to focus on the creativity aspect of brigid since we just did the cleansing a few weeks ago.  but i do feel inspired by the cleansing and purification chapter and am going to dedicate this week to it.  not too long ago i did thoroughly clean and de-clutter but i’m going to do it again.  now would be a good time to get rid of the box of to-be-shred documents.  and i am a big fan of spring cleaning.  clutter and hidden dirt do accumulate so quickly and it always feels so good after a thorough cleaning.  and i am going to do the body/mind stuff too.  the book suggests fasting for 1-3 days.  i have never fasted before.  it kind of scares me.  mostly my ability to do it.  but i feel up to trying.  i think it will be a worthwhile experience and i’m sure i’ll learn some things about myself.  i just feel very much like getting into the spirit of this holy day.  it’s been in the back of my mind all month and honestly, looking back, i think i have been laying the groundwork for it all month.  and with Imbolc, i will be clearing out the final vestiges of all i want to be rid of, laying a fresh foundation for my new year goals to grow on.  so this week i will fast, come home and clean and de-clutter and end each evening with a ritual bath, meditation and light yoga.  i think i could benefit from going in.  i have felt myself become a bit unbalanced during the past week and a half.  one lesson that is hard to remember, acknowledge and live by is that when things start looking up and one feels good it’s easy to let go of the activities that got one there in the first place.  maintaining harmony and equilibrium is an ongoing process.  this will be my first holy week ever.  i have never ever celebrated in such a manner.  i’m kind of looking forward to it.  

physically: sleepy; emotionally: happy, smitten, excited, annoyed; goal: no, i spent most of the evening with K, didn’t get a chance to; high: phone call from chris.  i’m such a girl.  low: no low.  all around good day.   morning meditation and morning pages, check.  no sun salutations.   

physically: skin itchy, awake; emotionally: calm; goal: write; affirmation: i am healing on all levels.  i am strong.  

physically: sleepy; emotionally: calm, grounded, excited, worried; high: making samosas while listening to twilight; low: driving in the frigid cold; goal: yes! i resisted the urge to go straight home because of the horrid weather and did get my oil changed.  and for good measure i even made it to the grocery store as well.  and on a side note, monday is my letter day and i wrote one.  i only did my morning meditation.  no sun salutations or morning pages but that’s okay.  it technically was a holiday and i was a bit sore from yesterday so i told myself it was okay to take a break.  but tomorrow we’re back on schedule.  .  .

physically: external rotator cuffs are sore, awake; emotionally: calm; goal: get my oil changed; affirmation: i am healing on all levels

even though i slacked off a bit this week it still felt good.  i ate that leftover soup for lunch for a couple of days.  i maintained morning routine for the first part of the week but by mid-week i slept in until 6:30, fit in a meditation and that was it.  didn’t do anything for my evening routine.  even slacked off on my yoga practice.  but i don’t feel bad about my week.  i still feel like i ate well.  i didn’t eat out save for thursday when K and i went to pei wei.  had that for lunch on thursday.  and here it is sunday evening and my fridge is completely empty save for five oranges, which means i ate all my groceries.  last week i was subsisting off the wedding goodies (veggies, cheese, crackers, cake).  today i made my grocery list.  i am going to make samosas and lentil soup for my two recipes.  i have these taste of india ready-made curry dishes that i am going to eat with my samosas and basmati rice.  not tired of oranges, yogurt, granola bars yet, which complement leftovers for lunch.  realized i wasn’t in the salad mood as that was the only produce to go to waste these past two weeks.  this week i am going to work on my evening routine.  my morning one is almost cemented.  and i think it is perfectly okay to sleep in once a week and skimp a bit.  i feel that for the most part i am going strong on my goals.  i am eating so much better since i started working full-time again.  i am back on a regular feeding schedule and my body thanks me.  i just need to be more vigilant on the physical activity part.  i do feel really good when i am active but it has been so cold these past couple of weeks that it has been difficult for me to motivate myself.  i did write letters last week and deliver them.  so that’s one point for evening routine.  well, here’s to an even more productive week.  

physically: sore, tightness in my chest; emotionally: melancholy; goal: make the most of my day, don’t let it pass in vain; affirmation: i am healing on all levels.  i am strong.  i am woman.

i really thought i had come to terms with my feelings.  i had that one pain-filled week where i really took care of myself and addressed my needs.  found my strength.  i know one week is a short time but really i am not one to dwell on things for too long.  and i have been maintaining my self-care.  not hanging out with ex-lover/best friend as much.  we did spend the holidays together and then once the new year rolled over i maintained my distance again.  he invited me out friday but i already  had plans with K.  i saw him after work last night, well after i had gone out after work and he had gone out with one of his few friends.  but something was amiss.  his friend brought other friends and one of them was a girl for EL/BF to meet.  not that he admitted this.  he completely skirted around the issue.  but F called in the wee hours of the morning disturbing our hang out time and EL/BF took the call in his bathroom.  he normally doesn’t do this unless he is paying a bill.  me being the nosy person i am under the influence of crazy, jealous self took kitty and sat by the heater where i could hear snippets of the conversation.  i couldn’t even tell you what i heard.  the words are in my brain, my being but hazy but the meaning all too clear.  there was a girl.  EL/BF didn’t really connect with her.  didn’t want to talk about it and hung up.  the other clues?  EL/BF’s flat was super clean.  and the most tell-tale sign of all?  the picture of us together, a happy us, that resides so prominently on his kitchen counter was facedown.  and the wave of  pain that washed over me upon noting this was entirely unexpected.  why?  why should i think i won’t feel pain again?  even a diluted pain.  today i did the closure rite.  simple and small.  and now i have to remain evermore vigilant on the emotions coursing through my being and how they affect me physically.  i have to continually offer up this love and pain to the goddess herself so that i may one day be free of it.  perhaps one day i can be happy again and be happy for him and wish him well.  he wishes me well.  he wants me to be happy.  and i honestly cannot do the same for him yet and feel ashamed.  i have never had trouble with this step before in the past.  first boyfriend, scumbag boyfriend, french boyfriend.  so why can’t i do it now?  and i feel even worse about it because i am meeting people.  liking people.  but none of them hold a candle to EL/BF.  rational mind and emotional mind have not caught up with each other yet.  i know we’re not right for each other. i know there are better matches for both of us out there.  i know that i am on the right path.  i know that we came together for a reason and we learned a lot from each other and there are no regrets.  i know all these things.  but it doesn’t change the way my heart feels.