i obviously need to remind myself of things. again. . .i was obviously put on this earth for a reason. i’m obviously meant to be here. i’m obviously meant to do something. i am fucking awesome. i am. i am, self, i am. letgoletgoletgoletgoletfuckinggo. i am worthy. i am lovable. i am worthy of love. i am worthy of health. i am worthy of positive things. i am worthy. i am worthy, self. we’re fucking awesome, self. we are strong, self. fucking hell. look at all the fucking strife we’ve endured these past 26 fucking years. we can endure a little fucking heartbreak, self.we can.
what i learned about myself February 4, 2008
the fasting was a success. i committed myself to two days and actually did three. (i did a sunrise to sundown fast). by the end of the second day i felt like i could do another and would benefit even more. the first day was the hardest. the day i felt the hungriest. the second day i did have a dull headache for half the day but it went away. and when i felt hungry it wasn’t painful. i welcomed it and used it. each day i came home and took a ritual bath, meditated. i meditated several times each day, actually. a couple of days i did do light yoga. i didn’t do much cleaning but i did de-clutter my closet. re-arranged and got rid of some things. i think mostly though i stayed in a contemplative state. and what i found was this: the will, strength, discipline and resolve i remember having in spades as a child and had seriously thought no longer existed in my being is still there. i committed and didn’t give in to temptation. didn’t give up and say fuck it. and i even went on for an extra day, i was just that committed. and now that the fast is over, i can still feel the commitment, resolve, will and strength. i am no longer a slave to my sweet tooth. i baked so much this weekend and barely ate any of it. at K’s birthday celebration i had one cookie that i made. they are rich cookies. no need for a second. i really didn’t even want one but i felt that it would be a shame to not taste the end result. friday was someone’s birthday at work. and there was cake. i had none. these might seem like such simple things but for me it’s huge. sugar can sometimes be like a drug to me. given a choice of a healthy meal comprised of all my favorite vegetables and whatnot and a luscious pastry, i will take the pastry and then some. that’s why i don’t keep things like that in my home. but still, i have this need to consume some sugary confection on a daily basis. and i feel like my compulsion has been lifted. although time will tell. it’s only been a few days. but i do feel a renewed commitment to my body and my care of it. not to say that i can’t enjoy a dessert or whatever, just that henceforth i intend to be more discriminating. no more poptarts for breakfast. or random candy/junk food. and i have to say, it feels really really good to have these old friends back.
time to go back in January 27, 2008
this week i wound up being really tired. i did write a letter on monday in the little red journal autumn and i send back and forth. i spent tuesday and wednesday with K. thursday i came home and promptly went to sleep for two hours. woke up at 7 and was too tired and unmotivated to do anything else. friday i chilled out and read The Almost Moon with blankets and hot tea. it was a cold week. i think this had a lot to do with my lack of energy. so this friday is Imbolc. amethyst and i made a commitment to each other at the beginning of the year that we would celebrate all of the holidays together. so we are going to get together this friday for the first sabbat of the year. i finished re-reading amber k’s candlemas book. there are some really good ideas in it. basically the focus of imbolc is cleansing and purification. light. new year. brigid. amethyst and i are going to cook a proper feast but we haven’t planned the ritual yet. i would like to focus on the creativity aspect of brigid since we just did the cleansing a few weeks ago. but i do feel inspired by the cleansing and purification chapter and am going to dedicate this week to it. not too long ago i did thoroughly clean and de-clutter but i’m going to do it again. now would be a good time to get rid of the box of to-be-shred documents. and i am a big fan of spring cleaning. clutter and hidden dirt do accumulate so quickly and it always feels so good after a thorough cleaning. and i am going to do the body/mind stuff too. the book suggests fasting for 1-3 days. i have never fasted before. it kind of scares me. mostly my ability to do it. but i feel up to trying. i think it will be a worthwhile experience and i’m sure i’ll learn some things about myself. i just feel very much like getting into the spirit of this holy day. it’s been in the back of my mind all month and honestly, looking back, i think i have been laying the groundwork for it all month. and with Imbolc, i will be clearing out the final vestiges of all i want to be rid of, laying a fresh foundation for my new year goals to grow on. so this week i will fast, come home and clean and de-clutter and end each evening with a ritual bath, meditation and light yoga. i think i could benefit from going in. i have felt myself become a bit unbalanced during the past week and a half. one lesson that is hard to remember, acknowledge and live by is that when things start looking up and one feels good it’s easy to let go of the activities that got one there in the first place. maintaining harmony and equilibrium is an ongoing process. this will be my first holy week ever. i have never ever celebrated in such a manner. i’m kind of looking forward to it.
tuesday evening January 23, 2008
physically: sleepy; emotionally: happy, smitten, excited, annoyed; goal: no, i spent most of the evening with K, didn’t get a chance to; high: phone call from chris. i’m such a girl. low: no low. all around good day. morning meditation and morning pages, check. no sun salutations.
tuesday morning January 22, 2008
physically: skin itchy, awake; emotionally: calm; goal: write; affirmation: i am healing on all levels. i am strong.
physically: sleepy; emotionally: calm, grounded, excited, worried; high: making samosas while listening to twilight; low: driving in the frigid cold; goal: yes! i resisted the urge to go straight home because of the horrid weather and did get my oil changed. and for good measure i even made it to the grocery store as well. and on a side note, monday is my letter day and i wrote one. i only did my morning meditation. no sun salutations or morning pages but that’s okay. it technically was a holiday and i was a bit sore from yesterday so i told myself it was okay to take a break. but tomorrow we’re back on schedule. . .